BREATHE

The worst thing about someone trying to strangle you is that you are most likely face to face with this person, up close and personal. Whatever personal space bubble you had is floating out to space. You really have no choice but to look at him while you wonder if he's just scaring you again or if this is the time he never lets go and actually kills you. <"How do I stop this?">. You wonder if this face is the last face you'll ever see. His eyes are burning your soul with so much hatred and rage. He's staring Right. At. You. - but he isn't, not this time. This time he's staring right *through* you, almost like you're not even there <"I'm so worthless he can't even look at me">. Almost. But you are. You are there. You are HERE. Here for what seems like an eternity, here looking at this psycho who is screaming "I'm going to fucking kill you, you fucking bitch!" six inches from your face, shaking you by the neck with every word. Something changes. Now he's really looking at you. It paralyzes you with fear <"Oh, I wish he would stop looking at me like that">. Is today the day? Your day? The day he finally fucking kills you? <"Why am I so fucking stupid?">. That pit in your stomach, you know the one - you ignored it. It's hollow because you can't get enough air to fill it. Your instincts tell you to pull his hands off your neck - but it's a cruel trick, because you can't actually do it. You're too weak. Half the time you end up scratching yourself trying to get your useless, clumsy fingers between his hands and your throat. <"What did I do wrong this time? I don't even know.">. Maybe you should just put your hands over your eyes so they don't pop out of your skull from the pressure. <"Will my friends even look for me?">. You're in a totally futile state of panic & desperation. <"Will my sister be okay? What about my parents, will they even notice?">. Your head hurts, nothing is in focus anymore, your body is tingling. <"Why do I always fuck things up?">. Your heart is pounding in your ears, you can't hold yourself up anymore. You pray to someone - anyone! <"Please just let this end.">. He lets go, walks away and lights a cigarette leaving you in shock, gasping for air in a heap on the floor.  So today wasn't your day, but every tomorrow brings a new day.

 

- BK