Suicidal Thoughts Are One of the Most Heartbreaking Sadnesse's I Can Think of

Suicidal thoughts are one of the most heartbreaking sadness's I can think of 

God be with me I’d often say as I prayed for God up above

As torn and depressed I’ve often been that I’ve contemplated taking a drastic step in ending my life

I’ve often felt that I lost all control of my life so suicide is what my brain tells me from inside

You’ve only seen me as my inside was dying you only saw my outer side

I’ve cried out for help and the world it seems doesn’t care about me it’s so sad

Suicide seems to be the only effective method I have when things and times were bad

I often feel that I’m out of options and I am really exhausted so I’m thinking to end my life to end me

I can’t recognize beauty in life when all I do is fight for myself when you bully me and myself I despise

Staring at myself in the mirror only makes me angrier and I have to hide within my disguise  

I’m feeling hopeless, what do I have to live for, and why does it matter

I don’t like being a burden to others so I think must go

Never to be a problem within your web of hatred towards me that’s low

I feel so isolated within my own world and pain

Nothing at all ever seems to feel the same

Echoing inside my ears is a bitterness and pain I fear

The pain within me so deep feels like its rotting my soul it seems clear

I have a full cabinet of pills and plenty of knifes to cut my throat to bleed

Can’t you just stop hurting me and open your eyes to see

The end often feels near and not so far away with these thoughts of mine running my heart

Where do I go and who do I turn to for a place to start

I often wonder why my life seems to slowly get worse with each breath I take

Should I try again to end my life in what mistakes I’ve made

Will I succeed or just stay in this misery

What emotions come over me will be of failure once more in scary unbeautiful scenery

 If I cut myself deep enough will I be swimming in a pool of blood within my world of darkness

My thoughts are clouded with your dirty hands holding my neck so tightly in sickness

Will I be pulled under the blood that once filled my veins

Will I cry out for help hoping someone hears me without my deaths remains

Or will I just hold my breath and let the blood do the rest

Within this pool of blood will my lungs that once held my life be drowning me at best

I use to stand alone at my own boundary of life between the morning light and darkness shadows

For your hatred towards me is no love but sorrow

All my strength and courage seems to be gone

What’s left for me to carry on

I feel like I’m losing consciousness

I don’t want to fight the beast in me with unconsciousness 

The core of my soul is empty

I would think about suicide to end your abuse of me and how it’s tempting

Depression holds me tight

People bullying me isn’t helping me in this fight

What could I possibly have to share

I don’t even any longer really care

Is my task in life to be undone

I feel like you’ve dropped a huge amount of bricks that feel on my chest like a ton

Will I live in death in the middle of heaven and hell

I feel like I’m a step away from God’s paradise and no more living in this darkened cell

The look upon my face I’m sure is a time for me to leave this place

The pain you’ve caused me has nothing to gain

My perception of myself is from years of bullying and abuse

I must set myself free and leave this place within myself you’ve used

What else in my life do I have to lose

Maybe reasoning is stupid or even unimportant to you but, to me that’s all I see I can’t breath

Seizing the moment isn’t what was supposed to happen

Why must I pay attention to your bullying like it’s a total assassin

I sometimes fill that pins are poking within my skin

When all I want to do is choke because you’re holding my neck so tightly I’m almost breathless

Your unkindness intoxicated me with so many different fears

You conceal your evidence of bullying me as if nothing ever happened I’m living with these tears

I feel this achiness within my gut that I want to die

Suicide I thought was my other and only option

I feel my blood within my veins is your absorption

Suicidal thoughts are one of the most heartbreaking sadness's I can think of

God be with me I’d often say as I prayed for God up above


Written and Copyrights By: Deanna M. Culver

I Dedicate this Poem I Wrote to the Many People We've Lost and to the Many People Who Continue to Fight for Their Survival (I am Here for You, You Are NOT Alone) Peace and Love

May 28, 2013