Strike Me Out As I Shout

In the back of my mind I wonder what time will my depression end up striking

Will I ever find any peacefulness within my life without hiding

When depression hits I can go into a negative state of mind and emotionally eat 

Then I look at myself and see this fat ugly women in the mirror with defeat 

I am screaming within myself and I feel as if my life is another strike out

Then other moments I’m eating for reasons that consume me

Some moments I’m dieting to lose the fat that carries me 

Some of my life flashes by me as I ponder what could be and could’ve been

My life can seem like déjà vu then it can feel as if it’s all unreal but, pretend

At times I try to hide within my own being for darkness hinders within my soul 

Then at these dark times I try to convince myself to let it all flow away and go 

I wonder over the feelings and thoughts of “will I ever be good enough”

It’s as if my hands are tightly crippled by a strong pair of hand cuffs 

My mind can be cluttered with thoughts that I cannot control

I think what in the world am I doing here I should just dig a huge black hole

Eternally I feel empty, people may not see my pain or mental health problems

When I’m sad, scared and crying it feels as if I’m nothing more than a goblin

Some days I may be a little off and to people around me it may seem normal

To me I feel that I am totally, horribly abnormal 

Sometimes I feel that my mind, body, heart, and soul are broken 

I have so much inadequate feelings and thoughts that are left unspoken 

I fight to stay alive and strong even on the weakest of days and nights

Moments are shrugged off as being no big deal and I say to people I’m alright

I feel that I’m in a conflicted world afraid of my weaknesses and in despair

At times I view myself a the living dead in darkness without a breath of fresh air 

My outer shell keeps me protected from the demons that haunt me

My veins feel like kerosene flowing all through my body that no one can see

Sometimes I wish I could just peel away my outer skin and start a new life

I want some self-assurance that I’m safe from cutting myself with a knife

Am I free from being criticized for feeling so low that I try to aim real high

At times I feel like a huge failure in many different aspects of my life

I don’t like being judged, worthless or undeserving of any form of wealth 

My mental instabilities of depression is a form of Mental Health

Is there anything like a warranty on this damaged body I fight often to live in 

Will my lifetime be dismissed as a loss cause from within 

I am screaming within myself and I feel as if my life is a strike out

I try to defeat these demons that haunt me without further notice

Do people think that they can tear me down and get a payable bonus

When I need to cry somewhere my body collapses in ruins and into hiding 

Nothing is easy for me to capture in life so high or low I’ll keep climbing 

I fight many demons within my body that there may come a day of departure 

I look in a mirror at my own reflection showing damaged goods and torture 

If I actually opened up to people would they tag me with an expiration date 

I’ve been torn into shreds that have disrupted my inner self trait 

I’ve been beaten to a pulp, bullied, scorched, stabbed, neglected, and damaged 

Is there life that I don’t have to feel that I’ve been defeated and unmanaged 

Sometimes I wonder why my heart continues beating

I am screaming within myself and I feel as if my life is another strike out

Sometimes I wonder why my soul continues to have its own seating 

Strike Me Out As I Shout

 

Written and Copyrights By: Deanna M Culver

August 13, 2014