Suicidal Thoughts Are One of the Most Heartbreaking Sadnesse's I Can Think of

Suicidal thoughts are one of the most heartbreaking sadness's I can think of 

God be with me I’d often say as I prayed for God up above

As torn and depressed I’ve often been that I’ve contemplated taking a drastic step in ending my life

I’ve often felt that I lost all control of my life so suicide is what my brain tells me from inside...(read more)

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Drowning

There is sadness
Everywhere.
Leaking into my pores,
Clouding my thinking,
Finding a home
In my heart.
I am disappearing.
I am screaming,
There is no one left
To hear me.
I am drowning,
Being pushed to the bottom of the ocean
Inside me,
Being overtaken
By never-ending waves of despair.
I cannot move.
I am stuck in place.
I am trapped
Inside my mind.

 

Freedom

Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor E. Frankl

 

Freedom

I got into meditation because my body told me I had to. For many reasons. I went to learn how to self-soothe a frantic brain with the end goal of getting back to full time work. As with most things, what I am learning are things I didn’t plan for or even want to. I had to start further back, way before my injury, to learn self-compassion, to figure out how to be gentle with myself, and most importantly, to learn to love myself no matter what. In the thick and the thin. You see, I’ve always been hard on myself. I have this amazing ability to push through things, to keep going like the energizer bunny. Speedy Gonzales was my nickname. It can be a superpower, and it can be my worst enemy.

Just like in “Ultimate X-Men #41,” where a boy learns that his mutant power isn’t a dream come true. Instead it's a curse and causes every person, family member, friend and even dogs to burst into flames. Logan tells him there’s no cure his mutation and nobody can ever find out that a mutant could kill by accident. Since the boy can’t go on living, there’s only one thing to do. Wolverine walks out. End of story.

Thankfully, I have an option. Kindof. I must learn an entirely way of being, which my brain can’t yet grasp. Sometimes I feel like I am in a dream, in someone else’s body. Other days, I feel like my heart is so wide open, I can barely breathe. I feel people’s anger like shotguns and since I am not wearing any armor I receive multiple gunshot wounds. I feel emotions in the air but sense speaking about what is actually in the room is too difficult. So the elephant remains and I cower licking my wounds.

There are times when I find myself deeply listening, in a way I haven’t before even as a social worker. Knowing that what the person is telling me is their experience, their feelings, it’s about them. Not me. Not me problem solving it. Not me fixing it, not me wiping all the suffering away. And guess what? It’s a freeing feeling. And leads to deep conversations. It is social work, it’s planting seeds. 

So far, practicing has helped me grapple with the fact that my healing shouldn’t be another form of pushing or striving for that end goal. It is a push and pull inside me though, a fight, where there is no clear winner. Similar to the Cherokee grandparent that imparted, “a fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – the wolf is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good – the wolf is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought for a minute and asked, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

The yogic tools and teachings can reach and resolve the root of pain and stress. If we are brave enough to sit in that space. The approach can be gentle, compassionate, blissful, and deeply transformative. And long. As Sheryl Crow says, “everyday is a winding road but I get a little bit closer feeling fine.”

I have to trust this process and believe that when we face the fears of seeing what’s inside us - a new, blissful self-relationship expands and emanates to everyone and everything in our lives. I am working on expanding my space. Choosing my response. Growing my power. Savoring the freedom. Namaste my friends.

- Henrietta

Monster

The hunger is like a beast.
Writhing inside of me,
Never satisfied.
My brain fights back.
It will not allow the monster to win.
I am a warzone.
My body is the battlefield.
My bones ache,
My body weakens,
My head pounds,
My limbs shake.
I am so tired.
I am dying
While my body is at war with itself.
I wait
For the inevitable victory of my mind.
For the hunger to continue.
It will never end.
The pain will never end.

- Anonymous

 

Strike Me Out As I Shout

In the back of my mind I wonder what time will my depression end up striking

Will I ever find any peacefulness within my life without hiding 

When depression hits I can go into a negative state of mind and emotionally eat 

Then I look at myself and see this fat ugly women in the mirror with defeat 

I am screaming within myself and I feel as if my life is another strike out...(read more)

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Underneath

I am 32 years old.

I am raising 4 children, one of which I will soon be adopting.

I have a great job, family and friends.

I have a lovely little house with a beautiful yard, a 7-year old dog and 3 cats.

I travel as much and as often as I can - Peru, India, Haiti, South Africa, and all over the US

I recently took my 3 girls to watch the sun go black in Kentucky for a solid 2 minutes and 40 seconds.

 

Even with all of this and so many moments of happiness, laughter and love, I still struggle...(read more)

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